Hnn. It's been a while since I've updated. Let's see... last week I broke up with Mary. I can't tell how she actually feels about that-- she
seems alright, but we all know that I am not the most adept at discerning indications of emotion. She
says she's fine, and normally I would take that at face value, but people keep mentioning things that make it sound like she's
not fine, and... if she's not fine, why didn't she just
say that so we can do something about it? We went to the Euclid, and played pool, and she was more of a jackass about it than I expected her to be, but I was
really bad at pool that night... and if she was trying to tell me something with body language, or between the lines, or something... yeah, I don't get that. I mean, I can usually recognize an emotion, but I just don't... I just don't understand. People, and their problems, and their hangups, and the way they
cannot handle their problems even when the answer is
staring them in the face.
I just... it's things like this that make me feel isolated from the human race. I wish I could have this intuitive knowledge of them, that I could know why they do the things they do, and read their body language... and sometimes I can figure it out, but when things get moving I don't have time to focus on it and decide what this twitch of an arm or that shift of weight means. (And given enough time I would make the connection-- I've read lots of material on body language, so I'm certainly well-versed in the theory, it's the practice that I have problems with.) I'm much better at deciphering vocal indications; I can pick up on the differences in tone of voice, isolate the patterns of pitch and timbre and speed to figure out what this person is feeling. But so much of body language is just so
subtle. ...okay, this is depressing, new topic.
So. Broke up with Mary. Mostly because I don't love her, and it's just not fair to string her along. I thought, maybe, over time I would develop affection, but... I was still thinking of her as my best friend, so it was really for the best. Hopefully she'll find someone-- Mary has this desperate longing for love; probably because her parents are such a clusterfuck. And for all of her hangups and neuroses, she deserves that happiness.
Oh. In a similar note, I'm exploring the possibility of being asexual. We've been over all of the 'don't touch me, sex is repulsive' stuff before, so I won't repeat myself because that's not a topic that's bugging me much right now. The body language thing is more frustrating, but I'll deal with it. I've dealt with it this long-- it's resulted in a few confusing social tangles (thank god for charts... yes, I really do figure out social environments and sort out social problems with the aid of pencil and paper). But it's nothing I can't handle. I have a thick skin when it comes to the actions of outsiders-- they have little to no lasting effect on me. Although, depending on my current state they do sometimes have a temporary effect, but... sometimes it's really not hard to get under my skin temporarily. My father was teasing me yesterday by putting his wet hands on my neck. (I cannot stand feeling
wet. As an infant, I apparently screamed every time I was given a bath. I can handle bathing now, but getting unexpectedly
wet is something I cannot abide.) I actually broke into tears. I wasn't even sure why, I just all of a sudden couldn't
handle it because I was
wet and I hate being wet and he did it on
purpose. But my father is always teasing my sister and I, and it usually doesn't bother me, so... I don't know what that was about.
...and if someone I know reads this and gets me wet to freak me out... I
will kill you. I'm not joking. Doom and woe. Watch yourselves.
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